Hmm

After some serious thoughts in my previous blogs, I ask myself to get off it and write something non academic, about myself - serious but.

Why am I what I am: clear, confused, honest, hypocratic, loving, hostile, humble, arrogrant, simple, extravagant, selfish, crude, rude ...... such a big mess of duality!! "mein aisa kyoon hoon?"!!!

I love meeting people, but do not enjoy sustaining a long term relationship. I enjoy arguing, but as long as I have a point to make. I enjoy providing suggestions, but dislike taking suggestions. I critique others' work while my work is a shame in itself. I have ideals that I set for myself, but live such a lowly and cheap life. I judge people despite my inabilities proven in the past. I jump to conclusions while giving a lecture on how not to. I believe in myself way over too much though I have failed multiple times. I enjoy solitude while I seem social. I generate enormous ideas but hardly have the inclination, interest, or deligence to see them in action.

I am somehow a "jack of many trades and master of none". I seem to know something about everything, something about nothing, and nothing about anything. I hardly have my facts when I go into a debate, but I always debate so and am mostly wrong (that I realize quite late). I have a misplaced memory that resets and mixes up dates and chronological events.

In short I would describe myself as a lazy man with million ideas and dreams, but billions of diversions with no drive to succeed in any sense. But one positive thing about me is that I look for change, and am hopeful that I will change (as I have) for a better me, simply by the Causeless mercy of the Lord in who I completely believe.

They say, self bashing is not good, but self-realization is, so is this attempt. An attempt to carve a better being from within by taking out the toxins (not all toxins, an attempt such as that would complete annihilate a toxic person as mine).

With Love for myself.